The Life of a Hopeful Teenager

Both Good and Bad Things

Victim. A word I really don't like.
I don't know if this bothers others, but I know for a fact this bothers me to no end. Don't you hate it when people say, "She was a victim."? I would prefer to say this: "She's a survivor."  I hate it when people use the word 'victim' quite often. When people think of themselves as victims, they're putting negativity in their minds. However, when people think of themselves as survivors, without realizing it, put positivity in their minds. It really helps a lot to think that way, especially in a horrible situation.


Hospitals and hanging with friends
Well, I'm currently sitting in the hospital, my mother just a few feet away from me. Sure, it's boring here, and I'm going to be here ALL DAY, but I think it's well worth it. I hung out with Jessica yesterday. It was really fun. I was hoping to stay there longer, but I got an annoying text from Michelle saying that she was going to pick me up at 9:30. I wasn't annoyed with her, I was annoyed at the reason. Very annoyed. I'm over it now, but I was annoyed.

I'm bored, and sick of hearing my sister talk.  My mom's even getting frustrated with her. This is pathetic!  It seems like I can't do anything! My mom's frustrated, and I don't know what to do!


Writer's Block: Dream Vacations
What vacations would you most like to take in the next five years?
Las Vegas, California, Brazil, New York, Florida (Disney World), and Mexico! ;)

Writer's Block: The Best
What's the best thing you've seen or done this month?
I spent time with me REAL family! >: D

Writer's Block: Environmental Confession
'Fess up: What do you do that's bad for the environment?
I honestly leave the light on at night. If I'm not in the same bed with someone (to make sure I feel safe), I leave the light on. If I'm at my best friend's house, I leave the light off, because she's right next to me, in case I wake up freaking out, thinking someone's after me. No, it's not paranoia. If you want to know why I think that way, ask me. Ask in a nice way, though, please.

Quotes I made.
“You’re only a victim if you let yourself be. If you’re a survivor, you win. If you are a victim, your abuser wins.” -K.R.


OMG. My government tutor... Her cousin is DAN FLOREK!!! FROM LAW & ORDER: SVU!!! She's going to get him to send me a card, and get the CAST to send me a card! OMG :D I'm EXCITED AS FUCK! :D OMG. I can't get over that! lol. :D :D :D

Tonight, I talked to michelle bout her drinking. it really bothers me, and she promised to stop till she's 21. i hope she  means it. we'll see, i guess.  

Last night's Dream. A fucked up one, at that.
 It started out with my ex, C (we'll call him C). We were dating at the time, and he had kittens at his house. I wanted one so bad! He said that it was okay with him, that I could have one. I bought the kitten food and EVERYTHING, just for him to tell me, "No, you can't have the kitten." I cried to him. He didn't care. We went upstairs to discuss everything, and he started to kiss me. I was okay with that, until he put his hand in a place I was really uncomfortable with. I told him that I didn't want anything like that from him, and begged him to stop (I was a virgin). He didn't listen. He then pinned me down (I was really weak at this point in time), and took everything of mine off. Then he undressed himself. He raped me. I didn't know what to do, besides cry my eyes out. The word "stop" meant nothing to him. Before he left, he kissed me on the forehead and said, "You're fine. Stop crying. It wasn't that bad." He left, and I cried even more. I stood up and collapsed. An hour later, I stood up again, being strong this time. I stood up, and started walking home. When I got home, everyone (my whole family) there noticed that I had dried up blood between my legs. I collapsed and started crying uncontrollably. It was obvious what had happened. They took me to the ER and had me taken care of.

The dream cut out to another part.

I was back at home, and I saw my old counselor from Middle School, Mrs. M. I told her that I needed to talk to her ASAP, because something really bad happened. She took me upstairs and asked what was going on, and I told her what C did. She gave me a hug to comfort me, and I was still crying my eyes out. We talked about what happened, and she helped A LOT. 

The dream cut to the last part... the part that scares me the most and I honestly think it could happen.

I was at my current school, and I was at a graduation thing. I was just there, relaxing, until I saw the 27-year-old creep-ass that really liked me and literally gave me nightmares in real life (The 27-year-old DOES exist. He does).  Anyway, he started talking to me, and I was telling him to fuck off (just so you know, he is a big guy. No muscle. All fat). I told him I had to use the bathroom, and that I would be back. I ran out as fast as I could, just to get help. I told one of my friends that he was there, and still loved me. My friend went up to him and started talking to him, bitching him out, and telling him to fuck off.  My friend went elsewhere, and I was hiding from this creep. I turned around and the creep is there. I tried to scream, but he covered my mouth and said, "Now, shut up... and do what you're told." I bit his hand. I yelled, "Help! Somebody! Help me!" I kicked him and ran. I told some person what his intentions were. They saved me from this creep-ass, and told him to leave. He refused. He ran towards me and tackled me. I couldn't breathe (I was only 106 lbs). Someone then ran up to him, stabbed him countless times, and I was free!  

That was the end of the three-part dream. It's fucked up, and scared me shitless. The third part I fear. Only because of this (this happened a few months ago in real-life):

He started talking to me at school, and a few days later, asked for my # (I'm 17). I gave it to him, because he never told me his age. He looked 18. He let me borrow his old phone for the weekend. I was being polite and took the damn thing. He called me, and I was okay with that. He was telling me he was going to buy me a $300 phone, and I was going to get the phone on Monday (this happened on a thursday). He told me that I was beautiful, and I said thanks. that's all I said. Nothing more, nothing less. He told me his actual age. I was freaked out a little bit. He texted the phone that he let me borrow saying, "You are the most beautiful, brown-eyed girl I have ever met and I can't wait until you make my life whole." OMG. Like. Are you fucking kidding me?! I didn't like him! Then, when he called me, he told me, "It drove me crazy when you wore that dress to school that one day. When I saw you, it was love at first sight (more like boner at first sight! Creep-ass)." I was creeped out. I called my friend's mother (she's like a mom to me), and I told her what was going on. She told me, "Kristen. Please, please promise me you will give him that phone tomorrow. You could be in danger." I followed her advice... kind of. I gave the phone to these girls to give to him, after they bitched him out, telling him to leave me alone, and that I never liked him. They broke the phone. I was really upset when I had found out, and he wanted $300 for it (it was only a $30 phone, tops). The school didn't make us pay anything, because it was pointless. The school told him that if he wanted to fix the issue, to go to the police. He knew that if he went to the police, the police would ask him the same thing the school asked him: "Why would you give a phone to a minor in the first place?" He answered the question to the school, saying that I was suicidal and needed guidance (yeah the fuck right). I was infuriated. He told a lot of people that I was "suicidal." I got pissed and told people the real truth. What he said, and everything. One day, he walked up to me and said, "Stop spreading rumors." I said, "I'm not. I only speak the truth." And I was right. I tell it how it is. I don't sugar-coat ANYTHING. I really don't. So, another day, after school, he said, "Hey! D:<" he was pissed. I didn't reply. I was listening to music. It was blasting. I knew he was talking to me. Fortunately, my best friend drove up and got me. I ran to the car. I was scared. My adrenaline was rushing. That was the LAST time he spoke with me. After that, I found out that he was lying to 17-year-olds about his age. He said 18. They believed it. I told them 27. They were freaked out. I told the principal that he was lying about his age. He left school about 2 weeks after that. He dropped out (I'm at an adult education school).   He hasn't been back at all. I hope he doesn't come next year, or I'll be scared shitless. Really. He scares me. :S

Why do people go as low as raping someone? Why do they rape a child? I know rape is about domination, but why a child? Don't parents have enough domination on a child verbally and mentally? Why physically? Why? What did children ever do to them? Sure, they can be a little bit aggravating, but that gives no one the right to beat and/or rape a child. I have never been raped, but it's the closest it's ever been to rape. For those who have been raped, I can't completely imagine what you all went through, but I can never understand it unless it actually happened to me. (Not finished.. I will write more tomorrow.. it's 4am. I'm dead tired)


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